Holiday is done and over with. Got one or two things from my family, which is alright with me... But my mood hasn't gotten any better. I've fallen off the knife's edge and now I'm falling.
I get headaches I don't know where they come from but its really short, and really sharp, and then it passes. Like a small spasm in the back or front or sides its really isolated to one part but as quick as it comes and hits me it goes and leaves me. I feel like I'm falling apart sometimes... as if more and more parts of my body are decaying away some slowly, some quickly... I'm not healthy...
I don't know when I was...
I don't know how long its been since I was what a doctor 'should' say is perfect health. I get checked now and the doc looks at me and tells me I'm right as rain, but I feel more like I'm dying away on the inside and my body is doing all it can to look as fine as possible on the outside.
The hand heals as the heart bleeds...
It feels as if its trying to power a small country, my heart beats erratically fast. I can feel it sometimes when I sit still and listen to it, at my most relaxed states it still beats as if I were running a marathon. I get so tired all the time and People think I'm just thinking too much if I say what I feel is wrong with me, so I just let it sit, and burn. Sometimes the only way to prove another wrong is if I am dead and the no longer have me around to argue the possibility.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Tis' the season
Yup, for gifts and cheer and lots of costly spending.
But its also that time of year where them religious people take that extra time to sit back and reflect of the stories of ancient past depending on their background. And for most of you its that time you exhange shit with eachother because its just what we were raised to do on this HOLIDAY of HOLIDAYS: Give.
Unless ur that weird kind of person that always has to have ur OWN whacked intentions of the holiday cuz u GOTTA be different and so u go out all mad, or isolating, or bad mouthing the whole holiday system and why it "never works" for you and all that crap and u end up curled up on a couch with a key lime pie watching re-runs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer cuz u got nothing better to watch until the other writers come back from their vacation next year. Sorry lamers, too bad we just have to have good quality enjoyment in our christmas season.
Work is still going swimmingly. Busy as hell even on our slow days trying to keep up with all the workload and keeping my people happy little motivated agents on until eternity. I can't let up on them for a second because then they try to take advantage and then the slow, angry process of fixing them starts all over again.
My head... is a mess... I'm all sorts of out in space and never coming back to Earth. I think about family, friends, work, religion, love... I think the worst feeling for someone like me is having to go through the holidays without someone to have there with you to enjoy it with. I'm not bitter though, I still have other friends and my whole family around to enjoy the time with but you know the feeling I'm talking about, where you look into the not so distant future at what the time will be like with the people you enjoy being around, all the good times, the partying, the celebration and warm kindness shared amongst eachother and then out of all the feelings and emotions you can imagine in your mind that you'll experience in your head you notice something doesn't feel quite 100%. Despite all the laughter and happiness, you feel this emptiness, in the pit of your body. Tiny at first, you may overlook its importance amongst all the other feelings you are thinking about but then everytime ur mind passes over it it grows... it grows and grows.. Bigger and thicker it starts to take all ur focus away from the goodness of the memory you're making and it corrupts like a deadly cancer, covering over all the images of fun and dance with blackness... Cold, never-ending blackness..
But its also that time of year where them religious people take that extra time to sit back and reflect of the stories of ancient past depending on their background. And for most of you its that time you exhange shit with eachother because its just what we were raised to do on this HOLIDAY of HOLIDAYS: Give.
Unless ur that weird kind of person that always has to have ur OWN whacked intentions of the holiday cuz u GOTTA be different and so u go out all mad, or isolating, or bad mouthing the whole holiday system and why it "never works" for you and all that crap and u end up curled up on a couch with a key lime pie watching re-runs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer cuz u got nothing better to watch until the other writers come back from their vacation next year. Sorry lamers, too bad we just have to have good quality enjoyment in our christmas season.
Work is still going swimmingly. Busy as hell even on our slow days trying to keep up with all the workload and keeping my people happy little motivated agents on until eternity. I can't let up on them for a second because then they try to take advantage and then the slow, angry process of fixing them starts all over again.
My head... is a mess... I'm all sorts of out in space and never coming back to Earth. I think about family, friends, work, religion, love... I think the worst feeling for someone like me is having to go through the holidays without someone to have there with you to enjoy it with. I'm not bitter though, I still have other friends and my whole family around to enjoy the time with but you know the feeling I'm talking about, where you look into the not so distant future at what the time will be like with the people you enjoy being around, all the good times, the partying, the celebration and warm kindness shared amongst eachother and then out of all the feelings and emotions you can imagine in your mind that you'll experience in your head you notice something doesn't feel quite 100%. Despite all the laughter and happiness, you feel this emptiness, in the pit of your body. Tiny at first, you may overlook its importance amongst all the other feelings you are thinking about but then everytime ur mind passes over it it grows... it grows and grows.. Bigger and thicker it starts to take all ur focus away from the goodness of the memory you're making and it corrupts like a deadly cancer, covering over all the images of fun and dance with blackness... Cold, never-ending blackness..
Friday, October 12, 2007
Time flies when you're just sitting there...
Things are runnin alright nowadays I suppose. I mean I just moved out of our place with Colt. And now I'm living once again with my brother Jon. He's rockin, and keeps a good clean simple place for a HOT DEAL!! My room is tiny as hell though... My bed and desk barely fit along the wall, craaaamped...
Lotsa people gettin all spruced up in the Halloween spirit lately. I want to go to parties and stuff and do SOMEthing with my holiday but lack of invites doesn't do much for my wanting to buy a costume and then I end up with no costume, and no parties... just movies and candy... Can't complain much I suppose. I'm not big on parties, I don't go to a whole lot ever but when the occasional good one comes along I like to have a go at it, they can be super fun... I just hate people that have to party every week cuz then its not partying its just people gettin together, gettin drunk, and playing cards or some boring shit... get some themes people.
Brb gonna get food... and... sleep.. I'll post tomorrow
Lotsa people gettin all spruced up in the Halloween spirit lately. I want to go to parties and stuff and do SOMEthing with my holiday but lack of invites doesn't do much for my wanting to buy a costume and then I end up with no costume, and no parties... just movies and candy... Can't complain much I suppose. I'm not big on parties, I don't go to a whole lot ever but when the occasional good one comes along I like to have a go at it, they can be super fun... I just hate people that have to party every week cuz then its not partying its just people gettin together, gettin drunk, and playing cards or some boring shit... get some themes people.
Brb gonna get food... and... sleep.. I'll post tomorrow
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Its no wonder...
I mean really. Its no wonder that things in this world happen in a certain way...
People talk about fate and destiny and chaotic theory and God's plan.
But what is it about things out of our control that inspire us so greatly to not want to try and control them? Is it the whole fact that being out of our control we shouldn't bother trying to beat something we know nothing about? Maybe that we have 'tried' and it just 'didn't work out as planned' so we let ourselves 'accept life'? Hmm..
I got an iPhone. It is most magnificent I must say... getting directions for everywhere I want to go (not that I need them I just think its swag is all), checking the latest in world news and finance and weather (not that I really care mind you, its all useless drivel to me... fascinating drivel, if you please), and then emailing, texting, phoning all my good friends (terribly important, really, I'm sure I'd die without it). But honestly, its a fun little trinket of a phone. Although its a horrid trouble trying to switch plans and keep a plan instead of getting hounded by cancelation fees and the such (its really such a drag). Not to mention my credit check is so horrible these days that my deposit was supposed to be $750!! My @#$@ing phone cost only $300!!! Tell me where that makes ANY sense... So I have to use some crooked GoPhone plan that seems a bit fishy if you ask me... Not that I truly care since my phone works and I am most pleased despite the whole lameness of events that transpired.
Work is going rather well. Things are turning up at the ol Alorica and the whole tamale is in fancy shape. A bit rocky (thats just how it goes in call centers) in the last month and a half or so but things are lookin brighter. I must say I have a certain pride about the whole place. Everyone tells you that it'll suck the life out of me. Hah. Tell that to the 18 yr old Asst Manager of Taco Bell down the street... The 48 yr old bagger down at Harmons... or the 70+ yr old seniors workin the Greetings at Wal-marts across the world. Jobs suck your life away, its just what they do. They part you temporarily from your family, friends, lovers, children... All for what? A paycheck under the requisite that your service be carried out with a smile? What habe you got to smile about? You are losing your lifetime to keep on surviving on this God forsaken rock so that one day, you can die, secure, and carefree. But you don't see that as bad at all. Its living, a living of your choosing, and once you see the flickers and moments of happiness it brings to the dinner table, to the hillside picnic, or to the local ballgame... Then you feel that pride. Not so much of what you're doing, or what you're makin.. But of the change you effect people with, good or bad. Either will tell you that you've made a mark somewhere. The world is billions of years old and you'll fill in for about 100 or so, give or take... Some fraction of time, barely measured. And yet still, for a moment, when you pulled back a chair for the lady, or bought your son that glove he's cherished, interrogated your daughters date to prom, or opened the door for a stranger. There is a human nature in all of us that is dying to make that fleeting mark. That we made a difference somewhere and now we can continue this trend of kindness. Or die, knowing that there was some good somewhere in out wretched upraising and now we can leave it all behind.
So silly...
People talk about fate and destiny and chaotic theory and God's plan.
But what is it about things out of our control that inspire us so greatly to not want to try and control them? Is it the whole fact that being out of our control we shouldn't bother trying to beat something we know nothing about? Maybe that we have 'tried' and it just 'didn't work out as planned' so we let ourselves 'accept life'? Hmm..
I got an iPhone. It is most magnificent I must say... getting directions for everywhere I want to go (not that I need them I just think its swag is all), checking the latest in world news and finance and weather (not that I really care mind you, its all useless drivel to me... fascinating drivel, if you please), and then emailing, texting, phoning all my good friends (terribly important, really, I'm sure I'd die without it). But honestly, its a fun little trinket of a phone. Although its a horrid trouble trying to switch plans and keep a plan instead of getting hounded by cancelation fees and the such (its really such a drag). Not to mention my credit check is so horrible these days that my deposit was supposed to be $750!! My @#$@ing phone cost only $300!!! Tell me where that makes ANY sense... So I have to use some crooked GoPhone plan that seems a bit fishy if you ask me... Not that I truly care since my phone works and I am most pleased despite the whole lameness of events that transpired.
Work is going rather well. Things are turning up at the ol Alorica and the whole tamale is in fancy shape. A bit rocky (thats just how it goes in call centers) in the last month and a half or so but things are lookin brighter. I must say I have a certain pride about the whole place. Everyone tells you that it'll suck the life out of me. Hah. Tell that to the 18 yr old Asst Manager of Taco Bell down the street... The 48 yr old bagger down at Harmons... or the 70+ yr old seniors workin the Greetings at Wal-marts across the world. Jobs suck your life away, its just what they do. They part you temporarily from your family, friends, lovers, children... All for what? A paycheck under the requisite that your service be carried out with a smile? What habe you got to smile about? You are losing your lifetime to keep on surviving on this God forsaken rock so that one day, you can die, secure, and carefree. But you don't see that as bad at all. Its living, a living of your choosing, and once you see the flickers and moments of happiness it brings to the dinner table, to the hillside picnic, or to the local ballgame... Then you feel that pride. Not so much of what you're doing, or what you're makin.. But of the change you effect people with, good or bad. Either will tell you that you've made a mark somewhere. The world is billions of years old and you'll fill in for about 100 or so, give or take... Some fraction of time, barely measured. And yet still, for a moment, when you pulled back a chair for the lady, or bought your son that glove he's cherished, interrogated your daughters date to prom, or opened the door for a stranger. There is a human nature in all of us that is dying to make that fleeting mark. That we made a difference somewhere and now we can continue this trend of kindness. Or die, knowing that there was some good somewhere in out wretched upraising and now we can leave it all behind.
So silly...
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
I guess thats how the dice roll...
Since.. when.. did people get so edgy? Since when did they become so short-tempered..?
Am I just so easy to switch feelings for?
I mean so much work is put into relationships, friendships, and comradeship... And I see others have that stage where things go wrong... people get mad at friends, coworkers, or lovers. They are at odds, on the rocks, or not seeing eye to eye... But they work through it...
Why doesn't that happen to me? ...All that time of talking and getting to know others and enjoying conversations with them... all of that is gone in a flash... Just a warning sign and then.. nothing... Its like God is waving a sign in front of me out of nowhere "Prepare to Lose Friendship" and next thing I know people won't talk to me, they block me out of their life, and I'm single and alone...
Where is my crunch time? When do I get a chance to "work things out"?
All it leaves me with is that sinking feeling that I'll end up never knowing what happened to ruin everything... Not knowing what was going on through their head the moment they said those seething and fiery words before leaving me alone...
I don't know what it is.. and no one wants to work things out about it so I won't ever figure out what is wrong with me.. All I know how to do then is walk on, in this desolate plane of existence.. existing is all I seem to be good at... And its all I seem to do...
Alone.
Am I just so easy to switch feelings for?
I mean so much work is put into relationships, friendships, and comradeship... And I see others have that stage where things go wrong... people get mad at friends, coworkers, or lovers. They are at odds, on the rocks, or not seeing eye to eye... But they work through it...
Why doesn't that happen to me? ...All that time of talking and getting to know others and enjoying conversations with them... all of that is gone in a flash... Just a warning sign and then.. nothing... Its like God is waving a sign in front of me out of nowhere "Prepare to Lose Friendship" and next thing I know people won't talk to me, they block me out of their life, and I'm single and alone...
Where is my crunch time? When do I get a chance to "work things out"?
All it leaves me with is that sinking feeling that I'll end up never knowing what happened to ruin everything... Not knowing what was going on through their head the moment they said those seething and fiery words before leaving me alone...
I don't know what it is.. and no one wants to work things out about it so I won't ever figure out what is wrong with me.. All I know how to do then is walk on, in this desolate plane of existence.. existing is all I seem to be good at... And its all I seem to do...
Alone.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Up to speed.
Current position:
Team Manager - Alorica inc - Almost been there a year now.
Current status:
Living with Colt, Kyle, and Kristin - Very nice place, I do enjoy it thoroughly.
Current mood:
Bored... Anxious... Mostly tired all the time.
I'm 20 years old now! The big Two OH. Had some good times on my birthday. [May 28th mind you.] No longer a teenager, I'm through with that and its about time. Now the next big step is to prep for my life ahead of me... Hm.. what will I do?
Also! Happy birthday to Tony! He is also hit his landmark age. Geez we all getting so grown up.. People from high school all gettin married... having kids.. Haha too early I say!
Team Manager - Alorica inc - Almost been there a year now.
Current status:
Living with Colt, Kyle, and Kristin - Very nice place, I do enjoy it thoroughly.
Current mood:
Bored... Anxious... Mostly tired all the time.
I'm 20 years old now! The big Two OH. Had some good times on my birthday. [May 28th mind you.] No longer a teenager, I'm through with that and its about time. Now the next big step is to prep for my life ahead of me... Hm.. what will I do?
Also! Happy birthday to Tony! He is also hit his landmark age. Geez we all getting so grown up.. People from high school all gettin married... having kids.. Haha too early I say!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
In the beginning...
Alright I tried like 5 different openings to this and I figure to hell with it, this blog is my more journal like posts, where I keep tabs and shed some light on the events that unfold as I go day by day out here in the Salt Lake valley. I have done several blogs and the like and this one is just another in a series I'll be touching down on and checking out for the time being, unless I actually get settled because it works pretty nicely. Anyhoo, 'nuff boring crap...
I'm Brandon, 19 years old, soon to be 20 (in May) and I live each day almost by the hour. I've never been a big fan of planning ahead, I just take life on one crazy turn at a time with no real destination. Hectic but fun, I enjoy the smaller things in life, like when you use less than a $20 on your gas tank, or when you finally catch that break from work and school to just sit and chill, even if its just in your car.
I don't find myself to be very original in my writing or nothin like that, but I do find a bit of uniqueness in the way I live my life and the ideals I have when it comes to the deep morals of life. Maybe you'll get that idea as you read other posts.
I'm Brandon, 19 years old, soon to be 20 (in May) and I live each day almost by the hour. I've never been a big fan of planning ahead, I just take life on one crazy turn at a time with no real destination. Hectic but fun, I enjoy the smaller things in life, like when you use less than a $20 on your gas tank, or when you finally catch that break from work and school to just sit and chill, even if its just in your car.
I don't find myself to be very original in my writing or nothin like that, but I do find a bit of uniqueness in the way I live my life and the ideals I have when it comes to the deep morals of life. Maybe you'll get that idea as you read other posts.
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